


To Kiss Him

by LokianaWinchester



Series: Jesus Christ Superstar [32]
Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Mistletoe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 13:44:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17184104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokianaWinchester/pseuds/LokianaWinchester
Summary: Merry (Belated) Christmas





	To Kiss Him

**Author's Note:**

> Merry (Belated) Christmas

They had both known that it was nothing serious. Jesus knew and so did Judas.

They talked about it; that was Jesus’ way. Rational and clear. There were no assumptions involved.

“I want you,” Jesus had said. “and I know you want me too. But I know I will move on and if that’s gonna be a problem, then we can’t do this.”

Judas nodded. He understood and his desire for Jesus was barely more than physical anyway.

Their affair was intense. Judas remembered those lips against his skin and those hands all over his body, just like he remembered kissing every inch of Jesus body and touching him in the most intimate of ways. He remembered the noises Jesus made - coarse moans, whines and the delicious sound of Judas’ name from his lips - he remembered how Jesus moved beneath him and how his hair smelled.

Judas remembered everything.

He wished he could remember how Jesus’ lips felt against his own, but he still had nothing but daydreams about kissing Jesus. That had been the second rule:

  1. Know that it will end; be willing to let go.
  2. No kissing on the mouth.



Maybe Jesus had suspected that Judas could not stay clear of feelings, maybe he had thought, their split would be worse if it could be ended with a kiss; foreheads touching, breaths hot between them.

It would have been harder, Judas knew, but looking back, he did not want the split at all. He wanted Jesus more than before; he wanted more of him. All of him.

In public, for the others, nothing had changed between Jesus and Judas. Nothing would change, because if Judas changed something, then Jesus would step back, give him less attention, make him beg for more and Judas could get by with what they had now, hugs, kisses on cheeks, casual touches in conversation - a hand on an arm, a nudge with a shoulder - and Jesus’ bright smile. Judas rarely returned those smiles now.

Jesus was beautiful and dangerous. And Jesus knew this, a week after the end of their fling, Jesus had somebody new, it was not one of the other apostles and Judas did not even see them, but he knew Jesus and he knew how he glowed after a night of good sex. He knew the sparkle in his eyes and he knew his thirst for life.

Judas was aware that this had been the deal, but he wanted Jesus for himself and so he shut down his heart, because putting physical distance between them would have alerted Jesus. His feelings were locked away now, safe and secure.

Or so Judas thought.

They were at some birthday celebration; Judas did not know who was the host but the wine was good and he was sitting next to Bartholomew, Jesus was somewhere across the room chatting to a young woman and Judas was actually enjoying himself.

“You seem better,” Barth remarked.

“How do you mean?”

“You’ve been depressed lately, haven’t you? You were all shut off and melancholy.”

Judas’ raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah, you could say that.”

Bartholomew nodded.

“I’m feeling better, you’re right. Do you know if anybody else noticed that I was... like that?”

The other man slowly shook his head. “I honestly don’t know. And if so, they didn’t worry enough to talk to anybody else about it. We all have our rough times, right?”

He smiled and patted Judas’ shoulder.

“Right,” he replied. “I’m gonna get some more wine.”

He got up and made his way across the room to get another jug for the table.

“Are you enjoying yourself?”

Jesus.

“Yes,” Judas said surprisingly easily. “It’s great.”

He took the jug.

“Do you have room for one more at your table?” Jesus asked.

Judas nodded. “I suppose so.”

Silently, Jesus followed along, until they were both startled by a cry from one of the locals.

“Ay! Look where they’re standing!”

Judas looked around, while the crowd uttered variations of ‘Ooh’s, ‘Uuh’s, and ‘Aah’s. He was not sure what they were getting at.

“Look up above you,” somebody shouted from the other end of the room.

They both looked up. From the ceiling dangled a green branch. A mistletoe, Judas recognised when he looked closer.

“If you meet somebody under a mistletoe, you’ve gotta kiss them!” came from somewhere behind Judas.

Hesitantly, he looked at Jesus. He could do that; they had not specified, what kind of kiss and Judas could endure a peck on the lips. Jesus smiled and leaned in.

When their lips touched, Judas’ heartbeat sped up. He felt himself blushing; Jesus’ lips were soft, warm against his, opening and -

Judas pulled back.

He wished this had not happened, he wished he did not know what it felt like to kiss Jesus, because now he would never stop yearning for it.

His heart was still beating too fast, too hard when Judas reached the table and heavily sat down next to Barth again. His knuckles were white around the handle of the jug, his fingers were aching when he let go.

“You okay?” Bartholomew asked.

Judas shrugged and pressed his eyes shut. He wished he had reciprocated, opened his lips too. He was not sure what would have happened. Maybe Jesus would have really kissed him. Maybe he would have pulled back himself; Judas could not have dealt with that.

The rest of the evening was a blur. He could not stop thinking about Jesus, who was now sitting closer, two seats away from him; so close and yet completely out of reach.

Later, when he stepped out into the cool air, somebody gripped his upper arm.

“Come with me,” Jesus whispered into his ear and Judas shivered, followed Jesus around a corner into a dark back yard.

“I wanted to apologise. I didn’t ask if you were okay with kissing me.”

Jesus did not meet Judas’ eyes.

“No it was okay, don’t worry,” Judas lied bravely. It was not Jesus’ fault that Judas could not deal with it.

“The thing is,” Jesus continued, still holding onto Judas’ arm. “I really wanted that.”

Silence. Judas’ breath went shallow and fast.

“For a long time. But we had our deal and... And kissing wouldn’t help anyway when I was falling in love with you.”

“What?” Judas breathed out.

“I couldn’t help it,” Jesus said. His voice was breaking, Judas saw the same battle playing out in his eyes, that he had been fighting himself.

“Oh,” Judas uttered.

“I just thought you should know,” Jesus said and let go off Judas’ arm, turned to leave.

“No, wait.”

Judas stepped in his way.

“Wait.”

He brought a hand up to push Jesus’ hair out of his face, resting his palm against the side of his head. Jesus leaned into the touch; he looked back at Judas, tears glistening in his eyes.

When he leaned in, Jesus gasped, then their lips met and his hands came up to cup Judas’ face.

He revelled in the touch, he loved the way Jesus’ fingers moved against his skin and he pressed himself up against Judas.

“Me too,” he mumbled against Jesus’ lips. “I fell in love with you too.”

This time it was Jesus, who kissed him.

Judas doubted that he would ever forget that night. Being with Jesus had never felt as intimate before and neither had kissing. Judas fell asleep, holding Jesus and with a smile on his lips.

They did not keep their relationship a secret anymore. Judas got to hold Jesus’ hand in public, he got to put an arm around him, to show them all that Jesus belonged to him; he got to snuggle up to him, hold him, and he finally got to kiss him.

As surely as Judas loved Jesus, he knew that even his last deed on this world would be to kiss him.

**Author's Note:**

> My kink is ruining a happy ending with half a sentence :D
> 
> Blease as always,, leave me kudos and comments


End file.
